I'm baaaaaaaack! Stay tuned.... 4 years is a lot to catch up on!
Thanks to cousin, Tara, for the inspiration to be better about documenting our trials and tribulations... fun with toddlers and honoring our angels.
You should check her blog out too: www.3bambini.com


Love you all.
Jina

Anxious much!?

Today, I am 38 weeks, 6 days pregnant. I have an official 8 days until I am "due." However, you may have noticed by previous facebook postings, and general conversation that I have been ready- like READY- for a few weeks. Once I hit that safe zone of 36 weeks, I have been anxiously awaiting our arrival. Yes, I know every parent is anxious and ready about this time... however... unlike first time mothers, or those who are experienced in the parenting and laboring, I have had only one outcome with giving birth. I need to know that the kicking baby in my belly is going to be born kicking and screaming - and continue to do so when we first meet... and 5 minutes later... and 5 days later...and so on.

I have been selfish lately- wanting Bailey to come early. Walking miles trying to help gravity do its thing... eating spicy foods, etc... the usual wives tales of how to induce labor. People comment all the time- snide remarks like "just be patient- she will come when she is ready". Or "you are too early- 40 weeks is best for a healthy baby!" Well, no kidding! But, today, I can feel her alive. Today I can hear her heartbeat. At this moment, I know she could be mine, not heavens. What if next week God changes his plans? I know I shouldn't question my faith in Him, but really, how can I not? I know He will guide us, and has a plan for us... its all great and mighty... but I just want to be selfish for a moment, and I want my baby now!

Sometimes I will get busy doing things around the house, cooking dinner, laundry, etc. I all the sudden I think "I haven't felt Bailey move in.... oh shit... " and I have a little panic attack and have to sit down, motionless, and poke at my belly until she gives me a swift kick to let me know I am irritating her... and then I can go on with my day. But in those few seconds, or minutes... it crosses my mind - it happened again.

So, I am trying to be patient. I am trying to give Bailey the time she needs, but I am just a ball of nerves, and until I can hear that first one-of-a-kind blood curdling scream that newborns who have just entered the world give, I will be a HUGE ball of nerves and will be doing my part to help out Mother Nature to assure she gets here soon!!!

Breathing deeply-

Jina

A Day for Mothers?

Today has met me with an overwhelming amount of emotions. Happiness and delight is followed by longing, sadness and pain. To be a Mother... a Mother is a mother no matter where her children are. In her arms, or in her heart, but the celebration... bittersweet?

But, for many Mothers I know, this holiday comes as a big black cloud. It reminds us that our children have died. It reminds us that the only people that know we are mothers, are those who were there and who love us and have sat through the pain and the tears while we healed ourselves. We celebrate by visiting our child(s) grave sights and looking to the sky. As grateful as we all are to have had the moments and time we did.. our memories were stopped far to short. Our houses are filled with the sounds of quiet grief. Love has no boundaries and the longing that a mother feels to mother her child is an unexplainable need... a pain... of something wrong... something missing. A day to remember all that has been taken away.

The same goes to those who have lost their Mother. I've been met with the opportunity to sit on both sides of this fence. My Mother didn't pass away, but my Husbands did... on Mothers Day. Last year. Debbie was a Mother to me too, and there isn't a day that goes by that we don't speak her name or say something that relates to her- "Debbie would have..." "Mom always did..." "She would have loved..."

For my Husband, Mothers Day will never be the same. Not only is it a day he has to now celebrate without his Mother and his babies, but it is the Anniversary of her death. Can you imagine? Please lock me in a room and let me know when this 24 hour period of flowers and bows and brunches has passed!

Grieving on both sides. What a great holiday. I don't mean to be cynical, but damn. No babies, and a missing mother. This equation sucks!

Mind you, I am BLESSED. I carry a beautiful, healthy child inside that I am so anxious to welcome into our world. I'm only two weeks (or less, or more?!) away from feeling her breath on my skin, from hearing her strong heartbeat, her soft warm skin.. two weeks away from being a 'public' Mother. The trials and tribulations we have experienced will only help us to cherish each moment with her, and to be blessed for each wonderful day we have. She will never have to wonder about my love for her. I can't wait to be her Mother!!!

So, my emotions today run high. Really high. I am happy - I am filled with love for my children, unborn and in heaven- I am so happy to be their Mother... because they are perfect, and a Mothers love is undying and has no boundaries. I grieve for a missing Mother... and her children (my family) that were left behind without hearing her voice and feeling her love everyday. I grieve. Oh what a day.

Love your Mother. Hug her, tell her how much you love her. Talk to her. Because one day, one of you will be gone and it will be too late. Celebrate your Mom today, doesn't she deserve it!? Life is too short, and these Holidays may seem petty, but they are here to remind us of our blessings and to not take for granted what is right in front of our faces...

Happy Mothers Day to every Mother, Grandmother, Aunt, Sister and Friend. We are all Mothers in one way or another!

Live-Laugh-Love

No matter how hard it is sometimes.

-J

A Poem by Donnel Schmidt...

The small wooden box stands poised before the steps of the church alter.
Two stuffed teddy bears resting against one another snuggle on top.
A couple of helium filled balloons tied at one end danced lazily in the breeze coming from the open doorway.
The occasion was solemn.
The once empty church quiet, now filled with mourners.
The priest spoke, a funeral mass was offered, most wept including those officiating.
Aiden and Wyatt lay still in their box cradle.
Both boys unaware of the sadness around them.
New parents, now grieving, joy wiped away by this sudden unexplained loss.
Tears flow,
Noses run,
Eyes burn,
Collective hearts are broken.
The small box is whisked away followed by the stunned and shattered parents.
Grand parents and immediate family bewildered, tag begrudgingly behind.
The church empties,
Wet tissues stuffed deep into pockets.
Aiden and Wyatt can now run and play amongst the clouds

-By Donnel Schmidt

Thank you Donnel! You are a great friend and we are lucky to have you in our lives!

Fear

Well, it has taken me approximately 19 weeks to write this blog. Writing this makes it official, almost like words spoken-once its out you can't take it back, and I have been paralyzed by my fear to be excited... but today it changed.

I am pregnant...19 weeks pregnant, and we just found out today (officially) that its a girl! And everything is looking great. We have been seeing my regular OBGYN and a Perinatologist in Spokane every other week for tests, ultrasounds and measurements. I am being treated with kidd gloves, looking for any little glitch or pain or problem as to que what went so wrong last time.

This fear, like I said just a second ago, has been paralyzing. I smile for friends and family when we talk about it, and I have moments when I can feel her kicking the crap out of my uterus that I am so overjoyed.. but my only experience with pregnancy ending with a funeral for my two sons. That's all I know. I don't know what it feels like to go through a great pregnancy and bring a baby home, or decorate a nursery, or breast-feed a baby. I do know what its like to pack up tote after tote of baby boy clothing and not be able to look at it 18 months later, I do know what its like to have fully engorged breasts that want to feed two babies and have to wrap them up tightly as not to feel them or explode like I swore they were going to do, and I do know what its like to be so excited that you tell every person you don't know in the grocery store that you are pregnant and have to explain to them what happened when you see them 1,2...6 months later.

I am truly blessed to be experiencing the gift of life inside me. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic about this. But my true elation wont reveal itself until I have passed that 24 week period where I know if something does happen, the chance of bringing home a live baby is 50%...and at 28 weeks 60%... and at 34 weeks, 80%..... 36+ almost 100%. I try to control my stress and not think about it week to week because I know that is one more thing to stress over- not getting stressed out. Catch 22.

We had another ultrasound today and everything looks perfect. Baby is growing great, all of my woman parts are holding on great, and the "it" I have been carrying around is a beautiful baby girl who is so active the technician could hardly measure everything. It was really nice to see her bouncing around, waving her hands around , doing summer-salts and kicking me over and over. I guess the only time when I feel sense of relief is when I can see her. To know she is still alive. I think I need to buy an ultrasound machine...

Even now, this is hard to write. I have really only told family and friends...and those who have heard it through the grapevine. I haven't told my Kiwanis group- people I see every week and spend hours with. The people at work just found out- aside from my boss whom I had to tell immediately because of all my appointments. Its really difficult telling people who haven't known me long... the whole "oh your first pregnancy, how exciting" blah blah blah, and me trying to act like.. Ya, so exciting! Smile! Ichh. What I really want to tell them is... well you know the story.

My biggest fear is telling my support groups. I know this sounds odd, because they are my 'support group' but I have been through those months immediately after losing my babies and knowing the jealousy and rage I felt against other pregnant women. I know it sounds awful, but its really only something you know if you have lost a baby. Really its rage against anything good... And being the facilitator of our local chapter I feel this need to keep it concealed form new moms. But I am trying to see the other side of it, hopefully ending in a successful subsequent birth giving hope instead of anger.. but there's that anxiety thing again! What a monster.

I LOVE my baby girl, and I am really not trying to be all depressing and dark about this... its just how I feel, and thats the purpose of this blog.. is to say all those thoughts clouding up my head and everything I can't say aloud or show in person. My pain is still very real and I think every day how I am going to talk to Aiden and Wyatt's new sibling about their older brothers and their life with the Angels. They should have celebrated their first birthday this month. I don't, however, want my pain to overshadow all the greatness of my baby girl, I just have to learn to live with both, and I hope if she reads this someday she will understand.

And, wine had nothing to do with this :)

What a whirlwind...

I'm am glad August is OVER! Actually, I am kind of melancholy about it. It went as fast as I had hoped, but now I think I should have savored every last drop of summer we had! The anticipation of the anniversaries was much harder than the days themselves, at least for me. We, once again, had lots of support and Birthday wishes that the boys so deserve. Baby Kyler (the boys' cousin) left an adorable letter and teddy bear on their headstone, it really said a lot, and meant a lot too! Thanks everyone!!

Speaking for only myself, but I feel almost whole again. Well, as whole as I can be. I will always have a break in my heart, but it has learned how to function with it there. Occasionally, pain passes through but all in all, I am starting to venture onward and upward, in remembrance not in grief.

My first M.I.S.S. Group was last week- the first one I facilitated on my own. Only one person showed up, but it was a very constructive meeting. My info hasn't been passed out to many familes yet, so I am hoping with any luck and some elbow grease, I can work upto the Spokane's level of interaction and following. I've also been informally introduced at the hospital to take over the support and memory making aspect of the patients, so I am just waiting for that first call. It will be devestating and exciting all at the same time.

Also, a new love in my life, is my new zipply little orange scooter! Yep, if you haven't heard me talking about it non-stop already, it is a little italian syle 150cc scooter with a cute beep beep horn! I absolutely LOVE it! I saw it at the fair and had to have it. We had talked a lot about getting me one last year, and all this summer, so we finally just said, what the hell! The price was right and it definately gave me a boost. I get such a kick out of riding it to and fro... buzzing around time... getting the BEST parking spots!! Its fabulous!!

In addition to my new a love, a new season. Fall is my favorite time of year. Cold mornings with coffee, hot days to enjoy the sun and a crisp smell of change.

I feel a change coming on... more to be posted later!

Reminders...

Like I  said in my previous post...August will prove to be a very hard month for me...for us. Today... I once again had the gentle reminder that I am not a parent, this month. Every month I feel this surge of disappointment. Not disappointment in me or my husband, but just in the general sense of being a parent. I find myself questioning a lot these days if it is even in the cards for me to have children. I know I am being impatient, and people have waited a lot longer than I have to find the miracle of birth and parenting, but I have never been more ready. I was ready to be a mommy years and years ago.

I have grown up always having a baby or toddler in my life. When I was 6 by brother Blake was born. The poor kid, I dressed him up, abused him and loved him more than any little boy deserved. Nine years later, my baby brother Chase was born. I was 15 at the time and understood the whole baby thing. People even asked me when I babysat him and would take him into store and around town, if he was mine. I always looked a little older for my age. Then, when I moved out at 19, I live with Adrienne (Mitchell's sister) who had Preston a week after we moved in together.

Babies have just always been in my life. Now I have Landon (Godchild and a beauty!) and Kyrah (my sweet little niece-from Adrienne) and I am still left with empty arms. When I was little and through out my elementary schooling, any time they asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I always answered either "work at Kootenai  Electric" ('cause that's where my daddy works) or I would write "be a mommy."

I know 26 isn't that old... but I always envisioned myself having bushels of children by now. I feel selfish even saying it, because I am so blessed already. I have an amazing husband, friends and family. I even find myself saying, "well, maybe I have been blessed enough to have this in my life." But then, I hear people say you'll never really understand love until you have a child, and I know this to be true. Even though my boys aren't here with me, I know that love and I long for it every day.

Yes, wine had something to do with this posting, but hey...isn't that when you always get the truth!?

Good night...