Reminders...

Like I  said in my previous post...August will prove to be a very hard month for me...for us. Today... I once again had the gentle reminder that I am not a parent, this month. Every month I feel this surge of disappointment. Not disappointment in me or my husband, but just in the general sense of being a parent. I find myself questioning a lot these days if it is even in the cards for me to have children. I know I am being impatient, and people have waited a lot longer than I have to find the miracle of birth and parenting, but I have never been more ready. I was ready to be a mommy years and years ago.

I have grown up always having a baby or toddler in my life. When I was 6 by brother Blake was born. The poor kid, I dressed him up, abused him and loved him more than any little boy deserved. Nine years later, my baby brother Chase was born. I was 15 at the time and understood the whole baby thing. People even asked me when I babysat him and would take him into store and around town, if he was mine. I always looked a little older for my age. Then, when I moved out at 19, I live with Adrienne (Mitchell's sister) who had Preston a week after we moved in together.

Babies have just always been in my life. Now I have Landon (Godchild and a beauty!) and Kyrah (my sweet little niece-from Adrienne) and I am still left with empty arms. When I was little and through out my elementary schooling, any time they asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I always answered either "work at Kootenai  Electric" ('cause that's where my daddy works) or I would write "be a mommy."

I know 26 isn't that old... but I always envisioned myself having bushels of children by now. I feel selfish even saying it, because I am so blessed already. I have an amazing husband, friends and family. I even find myself saying, "well, maybe I have been blessed enough to have this in my life." But then, I hear people say you'll never really understand love until you have a child, and I know this to be true. Even though my boys aren't here with me, I know that love and I long for it every day.

Yes, wine had something to do with this posting, but hey...isn't that when you always get the truth!?

Good night...