Anxious much!?

Today, I am 38 weeks, 6 days pregnant. I have an official 8 days until I am "due." However, you may have noticed by previous facebook postings, and general conversation that I have been ready- like READY- for a few weeks. Once I hit that safe zone of 36 weeks, I have been anxiously awaiting our arrival. Yes, I know every parent is anxious and ready about this time... however... unlike first time mothers, or those who are experienced in the parenting and laboring, I have had only one outcome with giving birth. I need to know that the kicking baby in my belly is going to be born kicking and screaming - and continue to do so when we first meet... and 5 minutes later... and 5 days later...and so on.

I have been selfish lately- wanting Bailey to come early. Walking miles trying to help gravity do its thing... eating spicy foods, etc... the usual wives tales of how to induce labor. People comment all the time- snide remarks like "just be patient- she will come when she is ready". Or "you are too early- 40 weeks is best for a healthy baby!" Well, no kidding! But, today, I can feel her alive. Today I can hear her heartbeat. At this moment, I know she could be mine, not heavens. What if next week God changes his plans? I know I shouldn't question my faith in Him, but really, how can I not? I know He will guide us, and has a plan for us... its all great and mighty... but I just want to be selfish for a moment, and I want my baby now!

Sometimes I will get busy doing things around the house, cooking dinner, laundry, etc. I all the sudden I think "I haven't felt Bailey move in.... oh shit... " and I have a little panic attack and have to sit down, motionless, and poke at my belly until she gives me a swift kick to let me know I am irritating her... and then I can go on with my day. But in those few seconds, or minutes... it crosses my mind - it happened again.

So, I am trying to be patient. I am trying to give Bailey the time she needs, but I am just a ball of nerves, and until I can hear that first one-of-a-kind blood curdling scream that newborns who have just entered the world give, I will be a HUGE ball of nerves and will be doing my part to help out Mother Nature to assure she gets here soon!!!

Breathing deeply-

Jina

A Day for Mothers?

Today has met me with an overwhelming amount of emotions. Happiness and delight is followed by longing, sadness and pain. To be a Mother... a Mother is a mother no matter where her children are. In her arms, or in her heart, but the celebration... bittersweet?

But, for many Mothers I know, this holiday comes as a big black cloud. It reminds us that our children have died. It reminds us that the only people that know we are mothers, are those who were there and who love us and have sat through the pain and the tears while we healed ourselves. We celebrate by visiting our child(s) grave sights and looking to the sky. As grateful as we all are to have had the moments and time we did.. our memories were stopped far to short. Our houses are filled with the sounds of quiet grief. Love has no boundaries and the longing that a mother feels to mother her child is an unexplainable need... a pain... of something wrong... something missing. A day to remember all that has been taken away.

The same goes to those who have lost their Mother. I've been met with the opportunity to sit on both sides of this fence. My Mother didn't pass away, but my Husbands did... on Mothers Day. Last year. Debbie was a Mother to me too, and there isn't a day that goes by that we don't speak her name or say something that relates to her- "Debbie would have..." "Mom always did..." "She would have loved..."

For my Husband, Mothers Day will never be the same. Not only is it a day he has to now celebrate without his Mother and his babies, but it is the Anniversary of her death. Can you imagine? Please lock me in a room and let me know when this 24 hour period of flowers and bows and brunches has passed!

Grieving on both sides. What a great holiday. I don't mean to be cynical, but damn. No babies, and a missing mother. This equation sucks!

Mind you, I am BLESSED. I carry a beautiful, healthy child inside that I am so anxious to welcome into our world. I'm only two weeks (or less, or more?!) away from feeling her breath on my skin, from hearing her strong heartbeat, her soft warm skin.. two weeks away from being a 'public' Mother. The trials and tribulations we have experienced will only help us to cherish each moment with her, and to be blessed for each wonderful day we have. She will never have to wonder about my love for her. I can't wait to be her Mother!!!

So, my emotions today run high. Really high. I am happy - I am filled with love for my children, unborn and in heaven- I am so happy to be their Mother... because they are perfect, and a Mothers love is undying and has no boundaries. I grieve for a missing Mother... and her children (my family) that were left behind without hearing her voice and feeling her love everyday. I grieve. Oh what a day.

Love your Mother. Hug her, tell her how much you love her. Talk to her. Because one day, one of you will be gone and it will be too late. Celebrate your Mom today, doesn't she deserve it!? Life is too short, and these Holidays may seem petty, but they are here to remind us of our blessings and to not take for granted what is right in front of our faces...

Happy Mothers Day to every Mother, Grandmother, Aunt, Sister and Friend. We are all Mothers in one way or another!

Live-Laugh-Love

No matter how hard it is sometimes.

-J