Fear

Well, it has taken me approximately 19 weeks to write this blog. Writing this makes it official, almost like words spoken-once its out you can't take it back, and I have been paralyzed by my fear to be excited... but today it changed.

I am pregnant...19 weeks pregnant, and we just found out today (officially) that its a girl! And everything is looking great. We have been seeing my regular OBGYN and a Perinatologist in Spokane every other week for tests, ultrasounds and measurements. I am being treated with kidd gloves, looking for any little glitch or pain or problem as to que what went so wrong last time.

This fear, like I said just a second ago, has been paralyzing. I smile for friends and family when we talk about it, and I have moments when I can feel her kicking the crap out of my uterus that I am so overjoyed.. but my only experience with pregnancy ending with a funeral for my two sons. That's all I know. I don't know what it feels like to go through a great pregnancy and bring a baby home, or decorate a nursery, or breast-feed a baby. I do know what its like to pack up tote after tote of baby boy clothing and not be able to look at it 18 months later, I do know what its like to have fully engorged breasts that want to feed two babies and have to wrap them up tightly as not to feel them or explode like I swore they were going to do, and I do know what its like to be so excited that you tell every person you don't know in the grocery store that you are pregnant and have to explain to them what happened when you see them 1,2...6 months later.

I am truly blessed to be experiencing the gift of life inside me. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic about this. But my true elation wont reveal itself until I have passed that 24 week period where I know if something does happen, the chance of bringing home a live baby is 50%...and at 28 weeks 60%... and at 34 weeks, 80%..... 36+ almost 100%. I try to control my stress and not think about it week to week because I know that is one more thing to stress over- not getting stressed out. Catch 22.

We had another ultrasound today and everything looks perfect. Baby is growing great, all of my woman parts are holding on great, and the "it" I have been carrying around is a beautiful baby girl who is so active the technician could hardly measure everything. It was really nice to see her bouncing around, waving her hands around , doing summer-salts and kicking me over and over. I guess the only time when I feel sense of relief is when I can see her. To know she is still alive. I think I need to buy an ultrasound machine...

Even now, this is hard to write. I have really only told family and friends...and those who have heard it through the grapevine. I haven't told my Kiwanis group- people I see every week and spend hours with. The people at work just found out- aside from my boss whom I had to tell immediately because of all my appointments. Its really difficult telling people who haven't known me long... the whole "oh your first pregnancy, how exciting" blah blah blah, and me trying to act like.. Ya, so exciting! Smile! Ichh. What I really want to tell them is... well you know the story.

My biggest fear is telling my support groups. I know this sounds odd, because they are my 'support group' but I have been through those months immediately after losing my babies and knowing the jealousy and rage I felt against other pregnant women. I know it sounds awful, but its really only something you know if you have lost a baby. Really its rage against anything good... And being the facilitator of our local chapter I feel this need to keep it concealed form new moms. But I am trying to see the other side of it, hopefully ending in a successful subsequent birth giving hope instead of anger.. but there's that anxiety thing again! What a monster.

I LOVE my baby girl, and I am really not trying to be all depressing and dark about this... its just how I feel, and thats the purpose of this blog.. is to say all those thoughts clouding up my head and everything I can't say aloud or show in person. My pain is still very real and I think every day how I am going to talk to Aiden and Wyatt's new sibling about their older brothers and their life with the Angels. They should have celebrated their first birthday this month. I don't, however, want my pain to overshadow all the greatness of my baby girl, I just have to learn to live with both, and I hope if she reads this someday she will understand.

And, wine had nothing to do with this :)