Reminders...

Like I  said in my previous post...August will prove to be a very hard month for me...for us. Today... I once again had the gentle reminder that I am not a parent, this month. Every month I feel this surge of disappointment. Not disappointment in me or my husband, but just in the general sense of being a parent. I find myself questioning a lot these days if it is even in the cards for me to have children. I know I am being impatient, and people have waited a lot longer than I have to find the miracle of birth and parenting, but I have never been more ready. I was ready to be a mommy years and years ago.

I have grown up always having a baby or toddler in my life. When I was 6 by brother Blake was born. The poor kid, I dressed him up, abused him and loved him more than any little boy deserved. Nine years later, my baby brother Chase was born. I was 15 at the time and understood the whole baby thing. People even asked me when I babysat him and would take him into store and around town, if he was mine. I always looked a little older for my age. Then, when I moved out at 19, I live with Adrienne (Mitchell's sister) who had Preston a week after we moved in together.

Babies have just always been in my life. Now I have Landon (Godchild and a beauty!) and Kyrah (my sweet little niece-from Adrienne) and I am still left with empty arms. When I was little and through out my elementary schooling, any time they asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I always answered either "work at Kootenai  Electric" ('cause that's where my daddy works) or I would write "be a mommy."

I know 26 isn't that old... but I always envisioned myself having bushels of children by now. I feel selfish even saying it, because I am so blessed already. I have an amazing husband, friends and family. I even find myself saying, "well, maybe I have been blessed enough to have this in my life." But then, I hear people say you'll never really understand love until you have a child, and I know this to be true. Even though my boys aren't here with me, I know that love and I long for it every day.

Yes, wine had something to do with this posting, but hey...isn't that when you always get the truth!?

Good night...

How time flies...

My cousin Tara just brought it to my attention yesterday that it has been over a month since my last post...but its been more like two. I guess its true what they say, the older you get, the faster time flies, which really makes me worry because I'm sure I blinked in May, and now all of the sudden its July.

Since Debbie's passing, we have been gradually moving into our 'new' home and helping Chris relocate to his new townhouse. It's been quite a process and we are still not done. It's been really difficult for me, and I know sometimes my husband doesn't really understand the depth of that. We have been living in his childhood home for the last 6 months and even though we may not have our things, he has been surrounded by his parents things...the things he grew up around and knowing. It's basically all new stuff to me though...they are not the things that make me comfortable or the things that have stories behind them and sentimental value. I have been living in someone else's home for six months with a minimum amount of my personal belongings...basically nothing past your necessities to shower and get dressed. I know it's not all about me, which I think is why I feel so guilty for feeling this way, but it has really put a lot of extra strain on me and I think our relationship too. I'm just not comfortable... we were settled in OUR home with OUR things and I have been uprooted..which, don't get me wrong, was totally worth it and I would do it all over again...but I'm just so unsettled and its so different from where we were last winter...or this time last year when we were expecting our boys. I know this whole living situation is just another bump in our road of life...I wish it would get paved. I still think to myself every day though, how lucky I am to have someone to lean on and confide in...and be there for me...even on my worst days-which I have had a lot of lately. Sorry babe!

What a year..what a couple of years. Man.

On a very happy note, we have been very blessed in the arrival of our Godson, Landon Alan Capaul- Justin and Jessie's sweet little angel. Born June 9th- of course while we were on our much need getaway to Vegas. We got updates via facebook and phone calls, but I was soo anxious to see that little guy and hold him. He came at the right time in my grieving... I needed him- odd to say - but I did. Holding him just made my heart melt...a perfect little seven pound somethin' and the best cuddler!! Long brown hair and grayish blue eyes- he is going to be a heartbreaker! Congrats Justin & Jessie!!

Second happy note, Adrienne welcomed baby Kyrah Ann into the world very early this Tuesday morning. She was scheduled for an induction at 6:30am, but started having contractions and called me for a ride at 2am and she delivered at 4:39...fastest birth I have ever heard of!!! I was in the room the whole time and got it on film for mommy. Kyrah weighed in at 7lbs 9oz and was 19 3/4" long... and I have never seen so much hair- you could honestly braid it! I thought Landon had a head of hair, but this is unbelievable! They are back home today and doing wonderful, Congrats Adrienne!

In addition to these new little rugrats, we have another niece on the way in August and two more close friends expecting in September. Baby fever has definitely set in...I should have two at home now, so I am extra feverish for one. But as you've read above, the living situation hasn't really helped our making a baby situation!! =) I'm still plugging forward with the support groups in Spokane and Cd'A, and I started my CNA class last week and Fall semester at NIC starts in the later part of August. My head is spinning! The Taste of the Coeur d'Alene's is also just weeks away and I will be so glad when that is over. Between work (and lots of it) moving, Kiwanis and the Taste, school I have really been running non-stop, and I'm looking to slow it down soon. I need to focus on me and my family and my goals and future. I feel like I have lost a years time with the loss of my sons and Debbie and just trying to focus on something other than them... I have been missing out on really feeling what I need to. I keep myself so busy so I can't just stop.. I'm afraid if I do it will hit my like a freight train. These blogs are really my only outlet for grief aside from my one to two hour support group meetings a month- that's all I allow myself. I feel like its the only place I have free reign to talk about my babies anymore and I know my friends would let me vent and weep- but I don't want to keep dragging everyone down and I'm sure, even though they would never tell me so, there is a point when they just don't want to hear it anymore either. Dead babies, dead babies, dead babies... I mean really, how long can you let someone rant about dead babies? Its so hush hush. No one thinks about dead babies. But I do... every day, every hour... every minute I feel those holes in my heart.

I'm sorry. I seem to only be in the mood for writing when I am feeling a little bit down. I have even had people tell me to quit being so depressing when I write... but I'm really sorry... I am happy all day long and put on a strong face everywhere I go.. so once every month or so I have to really let it out. Obviously you know this because you keep reading :) and thank you for that!! I think I need a nap...or a glass of wine. I am just so ready for that next step in life... children...a career... but they all seem so far out of reach. I suppose I shouldn't have waited 5 years after high school to go to college...and another 3 to realize I want to be something other than 'the accountant.' My degree is only three years away, but at 26, that seems like forever. I guess I'm impatient, but I have so hard for the last 10 years to get...nowhere. I am really excited to et my CNA, because at least I will have something... a piece of paper that says I can give an old lady a sponge bath. Yes!

Okay, next time I will try to write when I am happy. Toodles.

Live.Laugh.Love