God doesn't give you anything you cannot handle, but He sure does ask a lot sometimes!
For the last week or two, I have been thinking to myself 'how do you get to the point of giving up' and last night I saw my answer in Debbies eyes. Debbie has been fighting (hard!) against her disease for the last three years, and the last few weeks she has been fighting even harder just to be comfortable enough to sleep, actually just to sit. We have done everything we can to make her comfortable, but there isn't anything we can do. She is basically paralyzed from ALS-she can move but its very small movements and usually needs our assistance to do so. This last week the ALS has started to affect her breathing, making sleeping that much more uncomfortable and scary.
I couldn't imagine the feeling that she is going through. She is of complete and sane mind, just like us, yet it takes all her energy to hand write a note of three words trying to communicate what she needs or wants. I'm sure she is just screaming in her head and is so overly frustrated. Her body has lost lost the battle with ALS, and Debs is starting to let it take the rest of her.
Last night she asked if she could have some morphine so she could sleep. We didn't have any last night so she had to take her normal dose of anti-anxiety meds that I feel make her even more uncomfortable, but lethargic enough that she doesn't care. Last night after our usual battle of trying to arrange arms and legs so she can get to sleep, she woke up around 5 am she awoke gasping for air. She had slept for a solid three hours (which is great at this point) but had rested her body enough that she wasn't able to take full breaths. She was paniked obviously (and so was I!) but I made sure she try to stay calm as stress just makes breathing that much more difficult. Once she was able to gain her breath back, she sat up and looked me dead in the eye-something she hasn't been doing lately. What I saw I cannot express, but I do know she is ready to be in a better place where she can rest and be at peace. Debs has lost her will to fight and I don't blame her one bit. Hospice came in this morning and gave her the morphine, as she requested. I haven't heard yet how she has reacted to it, but I hope it can give her some sort of comfort.
I hate to be the one that says she's giving up, but I just have that feeling, and I have seen the pain in her eyes. I can no longer be selfish and try to keep her here, this battle is not for me to fight anymore. Debs needs to fight for what she wants, and knowing the saint that she is, I think what she wants, at this point, is to be with our Lord and have peace in her heart again. I can't say when this time will come, but I am starting to prepare myself. Mothers Day will be bittersweet to say the least.
Just so you are aware, she has been requesting no visitors. Those that do stop by, shouldn't stay longer than about 30 minutes- visiting is easy for you and me, but it really knocks her out. However, sending cards and emails of hope and love are great. Her email is debbiecopstead@mydvox.com (no jokes or fwds) Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. My love to you all ♥ Jina
Jina, thank you for passing this along to Debbie. The email address in your post wouldn't go through.
ReplyDeleteDebbie, you are so brave and so loved. Heroes come in all sizes and shapes but I'm thinking that they look a lot like you!
Know that there are so many friends in every corner of the community who will embrace your family and those you love when you're released from this earthly challenge.
I will carry in my mind the picture of you and your fellow "Killer Bee" Copsteads sitting on the grass on a sunny summer day, bursting with pride as Chris became an Ironman. I think your race with ALS qualifies you for Ironwoman honors, my friend.
Peace and hugs,
Kerri