Reminders...

Like I  said in my previous post...August will prove to be a very hard month for me...for us. Today... I once again had the gentle reminder that I am not a parent, this month. Every month I feel this surge of disappointment. Not disappointment in me or my husband, but just in the general sense of being a parent. I find myself questioning a lot these days if it is even in the cards for me to have children. I know I am being impatient, and people have waited a lot longer than I have to find the miracle of birth and parenting, but I have never been more ready. I was ready to be a mommy years and years ago.

I have grown up always having a baby or toddler in my life. When I was 6 by brother Blake was born. The poor kid, I dressed him up, abused him and loved him more than any little boy deserved. Nine years later, my baby brother Chase was born. I was 15 at the time and understood the whole baby thing. People even asked me when I babysat him and would take him into store and around town, if he was mine. I always looked a little older for my age. Then, when I moved out at 19, I live with Adrienne (Mitchell's sister) who had Preston a week after we moved in together.

Babies have just always been in my life. Now I have Landon (Godchild and a beauty!) and Kyrah (my sweet little niece-from Adrienne) and I am still left with empty arms. When I was little and through out my elementary schooling, any time they asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I always answered either "work at Kootenai  Electric" ('cause that's where my daddy works) or I would write "be a mommy."

I know 26 isn't that old... but I always envisioned myself having bushels of children by now. I feel selfish even saying it, because I am so blessed already. I have an amazing husband, friends and family. I even find myself saying, "well, maybe I have been blessed enough to have this in my life." But then, I hear people say you'll never really understand love until you have a child, and I know this to be true. Even though my boys aren't here with me, I know that love and I long for it every day.

Yes, wine had something to do with this posting, but hey...isn't that when you always get the truth!?

Good night...

How time flies...

My cousin Tara just brought it to my attention yesterday that it has been over a month since my last post...but its been more like two. I guess its true what they say, the older you get, the faster time flies, which really makes me worry because I'm sure I blinked in May, and now all of the sudden its July.

Since Debbie's passing, we have been gradually moving into our 'new' home and helping Chris relocate to his new townhouse. It's been quite a process and we are still not done. It's been really difficult for me, and I know sometimes my husband doesn't really understand the depth of that. We have been living in his childhood home for the last 6 months and even though we may not have our things, he has been surrounded by his parents things...the things he grew up around and knowing. It's basically all new stuff to me though...they are not the things that make me comfortable or the things that have stories behind them and sentimental value. I have been living in someone else's home for six months with a minimum amount of my personal belongings...basically nothing past your necessities to shower and get dressed. I know it's not all about me, which I think is why I feel so guilty for feeling this way, but it has really put a lot of extra strain on me and I think our relationship too. I'm just not comfortable... we were settled in OUR home with OUR things and I have been uprooted..which, don't get me wrong, was totally worth it and I would do it all over again...but I'm just so unsettled and its so different from where we were last winter...or this time last year when we were expecting our boys. I know this whole living situation is just another bump in our road of life...I wish it would get paved. I still think to myself every day though, how lucky I am to have someone to lean on and confide in...and be there for me...even on my worst days-which I have had a lot of lately. Sorry babe!

What a year..what a couple of years. Man.

On a very happy note, we have been very blessed in the arrival of our Godson, Landon Alan Capaul- Justin and Jessie's sweet little angel. Born June 9th- of course while we were on our much need getaway to Vegas. We got updates via facebook and phone calls, but I was soo anxious to see that little guy and hold him. He came at the right time in my grieving... I needed him- odd to say - but I did. Holding him just made my heart melt...a perfect little seven pound somethin' and the best cuddler!! Long brown hair and grayish blue eyes- he is going to be a heartbreaker! Congrats Justin & Jessie!!

Second happy note, Adrienne welcomed baby Kyrah Ann into the world very early this Tuesday morning. She was scheduled for an induction at 6:30am, but started having contractions and called me for a ride at 2am and she delivered at 4:39...fastest birth I have ever heard of!!! I was in the room the whole time and got it on film for mommy. Kyrah weighed in at 7lbs 9oz and was 19 3/4" long... and I have never seen so much hair- you could honestly braid it! I thought Landon had a head of hair, but this is unbelievable! They are back home today and doing wonderful, Congrats Adrienne!

In addition to these new little rugrats, we have another niece on the way in August and two more close friends expecting in September. Baby fever has definitely set in...I should have two at home now, so I am extra feverish for one. But as you've read above, the living situation hasn't really helped our making a baby situation!! =) I'm still plugging forward with the support groups in Spokane and Cd'A, and I started my CNA class last week and Fall semester at NIC starts in the later part of August. My head is spinning! The Taste of the Coeur d'Alene's is also just weeks away and I will be so glad when that is over. Between work (and lots of it) moving, Kiwanis and the Taste, school I have really been running non-stop, and I'm looking to slow it down soon. I need to focus on me and my family and my goals and future. I feel like I have lost a years time with the loss of my sons and Debbie and just trying to focus on something other than them... I have been missing out on really feeling what I need to. I keep myself so busy so I can't just stop.. I'm afraid if I do it will hit my like a freight train. These blogs are really my only outlet for grief aside from my one to two hour support group meetings a month- that's all I allow myself. I feel like its the only place I have free reign to talk about my babies anymore and I know my friends would let me vent and weep- but I don't want to keep dragging everyone down and I'm sure, even though they would never tell me so, there is a point when they just don't want to hear it anymore either. Dead babies, dead babies, dead babies... I mean really, how long can you let someone rant about dead babies? Its so hush hush. No one thinks about dead babies. But I do... every day, every hour... every minute I feel those holes in my heart.

I'm sorry. I seem to only be in the mood for writing when I am feeling a little bit down. I have even had people tell me to quit being so depressing when I write... but I'm really sorry... I am happy all day long and put on a strong face everywhere I go.. so once every month or so I have to really let it out. Obviously you know this because you keep reading :) and thank you for that!! I think I need a nap...or a glass of wine. I am just so ready for that next step in life... children...a career... but they all seem so far out of reach. I suppose I shouldn't have waited 5 years after high school to go to college...and another 3 to realize I want to be something other than 'the accountant.' My degree is only three years away, but at 26, that seems like forever. I guess I'm impatient, but I have so hard for the last 10 years to get...nowhere. I am really excited to et my CNA, because at least I will have something... a piece of paper that says I can give an old lady a sponge bath. Yes!

Okay, next time I will try to write when I am happy. Toodles.

Live.Laugh.Love

The good comes with the bad....

So, I have had a fantastic few weeks. I was able to look up for a change and live life with a big smile on my face...which, considering everything we have been through in the last month...ten months...was such a relief.

However, grief does funny, funny things. I went to a M.I.S.S. meeting last night ( a support group for bereaved parents) and loved it, like I always do. I never realize how big of a lunatic I really am until I let my guard down and really share what my thoughts are. Like how event though I still can't go into the baby section, or look at cutsie baby things, I am so excited for my best friends' baby boy to be born-this week hopefully! I just want to hold that baby boy, and cuddle him and no that he is healthy...looking for a way to feel that love again. To feel that 8 pounds. I think I'm feeling a loss of control... I've lost so much that I've been trying to control everything and I am afraid to let go.

So afraid, that I haven't given myself enough time to grieve Debs...or even by boys. I've been so busy trying to fix it...fix my life and find replacements... that today, it's hitting me really, really hard.

A very nice lady from Pennsylvania contacted me via facebook after googling fetal demise and reading this blog. She just lost her baby at 19 weeks and was looking for was to heal and grieve...I was ecstatic to know that I truly am reaching out. However, it sent me on this fetal demise frenzy on google this morning, and then I found Sarah Bains blog (a M.I.S.S. facilitator) and read it and my emotions just welled up. I miss my boys so much. They should be trying to walk right now...scootin' around in their diapers. I should have that Sequoia full of car seats and toys. I feel like I have somehow lost a year + of time. I keep trying to forget my pain and make it be ok. But days like today, its not okay damn it.

I think of my boys, our boys, every day...if not every hour. How could this have happened? I still don't understand, and I am still looking for answers. I want to have children, and to be pregnant again, but I am terrified. I am mad at my body. I am angry with God for taking them, even though I know there is a reason for it, I have hit my anger stage. I'm pissed.

Alright. That's enough. I have to get some work done, and wipe my face off before someone asks me for their paycheck.

Lookin' Up

What a whirlwind of a few years, huh!? I am so ready to just wipe the slate clean, shake it off and start over. Grab my hubby and get elbow deep in camping, remodeling, and just living. I can't help but think there should be better days on the horizon, but I don't want to get my hopes up! The last few times we did that we just got beat down harder :)

It's time to be optomistic about life and to know there is a reason I am, we are, still here. This Memorial Day weekend will be a great time to reflect on our struggles and losses, and an even better time to look up to the Heavens, give a hello and a wink and get on with life. Memorial Day weekend always seems to have that cleansing effect just before the kick off of summer. Long hard winters inside can really put you in a rut with life in general. Things slow down, or stop. I am so ready to speed it back up again. BBQs, fires, camping, swimming, boating (or floating, depending on how the boat runs!) paint walls, plant herbs (even though they will die- I kill all plants, silk ones too), cook lots of food and feed people, throw a party, buy that property, GO TO VEGAS!!!! Be with friends, family and have fun!

I have been waiting for this milestone weekend for about 10 months now. Maybe I have been holding it in my head as an excuse to finally let go of what has been pushing me down, but whatever the excuse I'm going full force! I am ready to go go go and I can't wait! Maybe even post some 'happy' blogs from now on. Just live life to its fullest and love lots along the way- I can't think of any reason why not. Life is short. Damn short, so you might as well try to live up to a legacy of love and friendship along the way because you can't take your paychecks with you when you go. We all look for a reason why we are here and others are not, but lets quit focusing on that and relish the fact that we are here so live it up and look up now and then to give a 'thanks' to those that have gone before us and taught us a great lesson!

Love you all, hope you have a fantastic holiday weekend and an even better summer!

Rest In Peace, Debbie

It's odd how things happen, how you get those feelings...those instinctual reactions. Debbie passed away on Sunday, Mothers day. Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts and beautiful words. We are doing okay at this point, just trying to adjust. Spending a lot of time reminiscing, and preparing a memorial and celebration. Here is Debs obit:

Deborah Copstead, 55

Deborah Ann Copstead passed away peacefully at home surrounded by her family on Sunday, May 10, 2009. Poetically, the mother of all mothers accepted her eternal gift and went to be with The Lord on Mother’s Day.

Debbie was born March 25, 1954, in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho to Ray and Margery Capaul. As the first born of six, Debbie always knew how to rest the weary and keep an open heart and mind. Debbie moved to Seaside, Oregon, in 1976, where she met the love of her life, Chris. They resided on the coast for a short time with their four oldest children before moving back to North Idaho in 1981, planting their roots and growing their family yet again with the birth of their youngest son. For 30 years, Chris and Debbie lived side by side and left a legacy of marriage and love that will be held in high regard by their family and friends for years to come.

Debbie was a kind spirit with a soft heart that touched many, many lives. Her battle with ALS was short, but not from a lack of fighting. Her courage and character stayed intact through it all and was stronger than ever before. Her family and friends will remember her witty charm and bright smile, and will always hear her recite her favorite proverb, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not. In all your ways be mindful of Him and He will make straight your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Debbie is survived by her husband, Christopher; children Brent (Laura), Dain, Garad, Adrienne and Mitchell (Jina); grandchildren Sydney, Kristian and Preston; father Ray Capaul (Betty); mother Margery Capaul; brothers Robert (Eleanora) and Kenneth (Toni); sisters Diana (Joe Scott) Guild, Kathleen Capaul and Dorothy (Mark) Ladewig; numerous aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces, cousins and friends. Grandchildren Aiden and Wyatt precede Debbie in death.

A memorial service will be held at 1pm on Friday, May 15, 2009 at St. Thomas Catholic Church with a lunch to follow at St. Thomas Center. In lieu of flowers, please make your donations to ALSSO, MDA or Hospice of North Idaho. English Funeral Services is in care of arrangements.

I love you Debs

God doesn't give you anything you cannot handle, but He sure does ask a lot sometimes!

For the last week or two, I have been thinking to myself 'how do you get to the point of giving up' and last night I saw my answer in Debbies eyes. Debbie has been fighting (hard!) against her disease for the last three years, and the last few weeks she has been fighting even harder just to be comfortable enough to sleep, actually just to sit. We have done everything we can to make her comfortable, but there isn't anything we can do. She is basically paralyzed from ALS-she can move but its very small movements and usually needs our assistance to do so. This last week the ALS has started to affect her breathing, making sleeping that much more uncomfortable and scary.

I couldn't imagine the feeling that she is going through. She is of complete and sane mind, just like us, yet it takes all her energy to hand write a note of three words trying to communicate what she needs or wants. I'm sure she is just screaming in her head and is so overly frustrated. Her body has lost lost the battle with ALS, and Debs is starting to let it take the rest of her.

Last night she asked if she could have some morphine so she could sleep. We didn't have any last night so she had to take her normal dose of anti-anxiety meds that I feel make her even more uncomfortable, but lethargic enough that she doesn't care. Last night after our usual battle of trying to arrange arms and legs so she can get to sleep, she woke up around 5 am she awoke gasping for air. She had slept for a solid three hours (which is great at this point) but had rested her body enough that she wasn't able to take full breaths. She was paniked obviously (and so was I!) but I made sure she try to stay calm as stress just makes breathing that much more difficult. Once she was able to gain her breath back, she sat up and looked me dead in the eye-something she hasn't been doing lately. What I saw I cannot express, but I do know she is ready to be in a better place where she can rest and be at peace. Debs has lost her will to fight and I don't blame her one bit. Hospice came in this morning and gave her the morphine, as she requested. I haven't heard yet how she has reacted to it, but I hope it can give her some sort of comfort.

I hate to be the one that says she's giving up, but I just have that feeling, and I have seen the pain in her eyes. I can no longer be selfish and try to keep her here, this battle is not for me to fight anymore. Debs needs to fight for what she wants, and knowing the saint that she is, I think what she wants, at this point, is to be with our Lord and have peace in her heart again. I can't say when this time will come, but I am starting to prepare myself. Mothers Day will be bittersweet to say the least.

Just so you are aware, she has been requesting no visitors. Those that do stop by, shouldn't stay longer than about 30 minutes- visiting is easy for you and me, but it really knocks her out. However, sending cards and emails of hope and love are great. Her email is debbiecopstead@mydvox.com (no jokes or fwds) Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. My love to you all ♥ Jina

I am a lucky girl...

So, an update to the "Waiting" blog... MITCHELL GOT THE JOB! Yippee! It's been a long time coming, but it's good to be back where he started, and where our extended family of brothers and sisters are...Timberlake your are included in this don't worry! However, Mitchell put in 5 years volunteering with KCFR and hundreds of training hours so it feels really good to get back to those 'roots.' He starts May 1st and I am so excited for him to be in town again and back to a somewhat normal firefigher schedule (he used to work 48 on, 96 off- ick!)

Also, here at the winery we have had some big changes. The last couple of weeks have been pretty difficult and heartbreaking- laying off employees and having another quit- it's hard no matter what the situation to see someone you spent so much time with go. The lay-offs came due to us closing Barrel Room No.6 as a wine bar, however we are keeping the building and promoting it as a Private Events Facility which is booking up fast!! (Call me if you need a place to party!! wink wink) So, essentially, Kimber and I are the only ones running everything. Luckily we have Meghann also who works part-time and is a huge asset and is our glue sticking us and everything together. So, I no longer am strapped to my desk doing accounting and HR, I am now the events director and administrator...basically everyting but accounting and HR :) It's a lot of fun, and if you know me, you know I like to throw a party or a gathering of some sort, so it's a good fit. This first week I have 4 events and it's just getting busier! I do wish however that 'upper management' would have taken more responsibility in a few things (ie-guiding employees and keeping things very vague) but I guess that comes with any management...but I still have a job, so I have to be the best I can be.

If you haven't stopped by to see Debs lately, please do. She is slowly becoming more and more immobile and tired making it difficult to do....well anything really. I think she really needs some boosting and some optomism right now. She is essentially living groundhogs day (same s**t different day) sitting in the same chair, watching TV as she can't do anything else. Sitting in her chair is actually starting to become difficult- she can no longer lift her head, so it is supported by her hand which as of last night is losing its strength as well. If you don't know, Debs has lost mostly all movent to where all of her actions and movements are assisted. She is lifted from chair to chair and 'shuffled' because she can no longer walk or even stand on her own. The ALS is starting to really progress through out her limbs making her more and more imoblile, but luckily a few of us are strong enough to lift her from place to place. Her breathing is outstanding though, which is really good news and she is of sound mind just like always. We also just got her eye-max back. The eye-max is a device that reads her retinas!! It's pretty crazy, but it follows her eyes and when she blinks it selects and speaks whatever it is she has typed with her eyes! It is pretty neat!

So, as hard as it is living day-to-day with the in-laws and caring for Debs in the evening and through the night, I still feel very lucky and fortunate. I am lucky enought to be in good enough health and sane mind that I can take care of Debs, and do it compassionately. I have a good job that I enjoy, I am able to seek a higher education and pay for it, I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboards, I have a HUGE and FANTASTIC family that I love spending time with-each and every one of ya! My friends are amazing and right there waiting for you whenever you need them for a beer, a good talk, or to lift you up off the pavement when the two have combined a little too much...and there when you never thought you would need them when you aren't really sure you can go on. And my husband, my God my husband. What a blessing he is. I never thought I could ever love him so much, and just when I've reached that level, I love him even more-and he loves me right back :). After nearly 9 years together, I still can't get enough of him... I still get giddy when he calls me and my heart skips a beat when he gives me a smooch...even on the forehead! I am lucky enough to know the blessing of being pregnant and being a mother, even if my babies are angels. Hopefully I will know it again soon...

I am SO lucky.